Every blogger in Whoville seemed cheery this year,
Typing with fervor while sipping Who beer,
But one miserly gal had grievances plenty,
No coffee could fix (whether Grande or Venti)
Things got under her skin, irritated and raw,
She flexed her Who fingers and set her Who jaw
And opening Word to compose a few lines,
She wished for a Coke and a pack of Red Vines
It could be, perhaps, she was third of five kids,
Perpetually stuck in themed holiday vids,
A bad bout with cocoa might be reason enough,
To explain snarky candor and quips that were gruff
Perhaps it’s the deadline of loan money owed;
That ten days before Christmas, it still hasn’t snowed –
But I think that of possible, credible reasons
She might miss her friends this holiday season
But whatever the cause, be it climate or debt,
She’ll recap the issues that now make her fret,
Things that annoy, disappoint, or distress
They’re listed below – Can you hazard a guess?
Old Navy television commercials
Don't get me wrong, Old Navy, I dig your jeans. But as far as advertising? You haven't knocked one out of the park since the original "Performance Fleece" jingle. Just sayin'.
We're done with the Mannequin commercials. I hope. (I pray.) But these recent factory-themed commercials? Awful. Simply awful. They're not helping you sell any more glittery boots or crew-neck sweaters, I promise.
Animal hats
Unless you're a cast member of the Real World or an adorable toddler with a tousled mop of hair, there is no reason for you to be wearing one of these monstrosities.
This hat is not doing you any favors, girl.
There are plenty of cute (re: not off-putting) choices for outdoor, winter apparel. I know animal prints are trendy, but we have to draw a line somewhere, folks.
Split infinitives
It's not that difficult to place an adverb appropriately. Learn it and live it, world. (I'm an English snob. And really picky. Sue me.)
Monster High dolls
Let me give you a sampling of the names assigned to these "dolls":
Ghoulia Yelps, Spectra Vondergeist, Draculaura, Clawdeen Wolf, Frankie Stein, Abbey Bominable, Jackson Jekyll, Holt Hyde, Cleo De Nile, Lagoona Blue... The list goes on. Also, the plush versions of the dolls are even more frightening.
Every three year old girl's dream.
Seriously. Someone explain it to me. Please.
Zooey Deschanel
I'll say it. Whatever, it's controversial. I'm over her.
Pros: Credit where credit is due. She is a very pretty girl. She wears cute clothing (Her dresses and flats are to die for on most days, although I would lengthen the hem on those dresses significantly). She can pull off bangs, and speaking from experience, that is not an easy task.
Cons: She is a mediocre actress. The "adorkable" routine gets old very quickly. SHE IS THE SAME IN EVERY TV OR MOVIE ROLE.
Doe-eyes? Check. Pouty lips? Check. Talking like a ditz? Check.
Sure, New Girl has its funny moments, but by and large, that is because of Schmidt's on-camera charisma and hilarity. (I maintain it would be a helluva lot funnier if Damon Wayans, Jr. had stuck around.)
Also, her name is spelled weirdly. Zoe, I get. Even Zoey. But when you add an extra "o," you throw off the pronunciation. Unless you're wearing one of those weird animal hats. Then maybe you really are Zooey.
Actually, she probably would wear one of those dumb hats, giggle huskily and/or innocently bat her eyelashes.
This summary seems unusually bitter. That is unintentional. I don't hate Zooey. I'm just annoyed by her presence.
"All I Want for Christmas is You" - Mariah Carey ft. Justin Bieber
Mariah Carey. Girl's got pipes. Her decision-making has been questionable in the past (re: Glitter) but interestingly, marriage to Nick Cannon seems to have normalized her. Crazy, right?
If you would have told me five years ago that Mariah would end up with the kid from Drumline, I would have laughed openly at you. Or possibly tapped a crazy beat to "Hero" using chopsticks.
All due respect to Ms. Carey: She has unquestionably left her mark on American music and the R&B genre, however:
If there is something that makes me less inclined to celebrate the holiday season, it's Carey in a skimpy Santa dress, shaking her rump while the Biebs brings the chorus around.
Mariah: You're 41 and a mother of two now. It's time to retire the outfit.
Justin: Wearing diamond studs doesn't make you a stud. Do yourself a favor and ask Santa for a belt this year.
It's hard not to cringe visibly while watching the music video. All I want for Christmas is to purge those images from my brain. I don't even feel comfortable linking a picture here, let alone the vid.
The 'Slutty Pumpkin' episode of HIMYM
Anyone who knows me is well-acquainted with my love of the CBS show How I Met Your Mother. I can quote without hesitation or reservation, I've been named an official slap bet commissioner in my circle of friends, and given the opportunity, I would marry Marshall Eriksen in a heartbeat. The build-up to this episode rivals the build-up to the 'mother' reveal, seriously. We were given a taste of the 'Slutty Pumpkin' in Season One, only to discover six seasons later that the S.P. is Katie Holmes.
This is no great pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
The episode was lame. Holmes's acting was lame (no surprise there for anyone who's caught a mid-morning Dawson's episode on TBS). I liken viewing this episode to having your teeth cleaned: When it's over, you're glad you did it, but it sucked the whole time.
I don't wanna wait for this ep to be over / I wanna know right now, when will it end...
Addendum: I am officially adding Kal Penn to the list of actors I despise. He ruined House and now he is ruining HIMYM. Go back to White Castle, bro.
"Shaping" Footwear
One: They're ugly. I don't like to define things based on appearance, but honestly... I don't need two extra, clunky inches on the sole of my shoe.
Two: Is it me, or is America becoming increasingly dumb/lazy? Listen up, folks: You don't need shaping footwear. You just need to get moving wearing any kind of footwear! Exercise with a pair of regular tennis shoes, and guess what? Results! You shouldn't substitute regular cardio routines for 'Shape Ups' or 'Easy Tones.' Common sense, people. Common sense.
Nickelback
I don't think I have to explain myself. Anyone with eardrums (and of sound mind) understands.
Christopher Meloni-less SVU
It's interesting how the word "Meloni-less" is remarkably close to "loneliness," a state of being which describes exactly how Olivia and I both feel. The Special Victims Unit is not the same without you, Detective Stabler. We acutely feel the absence of your trenchcoat, receding hairline, and barely-contained rage. When you would pin a perp against the wall with a serious death grip, I inhaled sharply and then silently cheered. You went to incredible lengths for justice, especially when kids were involved. For twelve years, Benson and Stabler were partners and guests in my home. (Those TNT marathons were deadly at the end of an academic semester.) In short, I miss you desperately.
Olivia and Elliot were like peanut butter and jelly. Fish and chips. Ying and yang. John Stockton and tiny shorts. Ewan McGregor and period films. They belong together.
"Just the two of us. We can make it if we try..."
Stabler, you're irreplaceable. Even Scotty from Cold Case doesn't stand a chance, and I really like him.
I give L&O one more season before Mariska jumps ship. Without her, the show will inevitably tank. Sorry, Dick Wolf.
I know I'm beating a dead horse. (Or an undead horse, rather.)
For the last time, people: Emotional manipulation and physical abuse (even if the man berates himself for leaving bruises on your body) is NO MODEL for a virtuous relationship. There are so many layers of disturbing imagery in that series, and it boggles my mind that it remains popular. What are we teaching today's preteen, female demographic? As long as he say he loves you, it's okay?
I swear, one of these days, it's getting its own blog diatribe. Don't even get me started on the shitty syntax and harlequin-style diction (e.g. "I touched the cool miracle of his skin, and I was home." Blerghhhh.)
Someone call up Detective Stabler to take care of this situation, pronto.
Ali and Roberto's Break-Up
Ali Fedotowksy's season might just be the MVP of The Bachelorette franchise. For those of you who don't watch the show, I would ask you to skip over this section and refrain from extreme judgment. For those of you who derive sick pleasure from Chris Harrison's mind games and enjoy watching men and women alike make damn fools of themselves on television, read on, amigos.
Ali's season was host to a cast of characters, including (but not limited to):
- The Weatherman
- The Craigs (aka Thing One/Two or "Hair Craig" and Ugly Craig")
- Kasey "Guard and Protect her Heart" Kahl (The one with the tat)
- Rated R (The wrestler who left amidst a girlfriend scandal and a fake knee injury)
- Ty (That Nashville drawl couldn't hide his single-man effort to regress women's rights 100 years or so)
- Kirk (Blonde, funny, likable, although prone to crazy makeouts and ill-fated sweater choices. He had an intense mold allergy I never really understood. He also had a shot with Ali until she discovered his dad is into taxidermy... Like, reeeeally into it.)
- Cape Cod Chris (The sweetest man to walk this earth, bar none)
- The other Chris (By and large, we forgot about him. He advanced five or six episodes, but he didn't speak until his episode of elimination)
- Frank the Tank (A quitter if ever there was one)
- Roberto (aka Rico Suave, resident Latin heartthrob)
There is so much to love about The Bachelorette. The tearful admissions, the room full of framed, Olan Mills-esque, bachelor photos, Harrison's unfailing line, "Gentlemen, Ali... This is the final rose. When you're ready." Ali was self-deprecating (but not insecure) and she was cute to boot. Her interviews didn't make you want to gouge your eyes out, and while she could be a little starry-eyed, she was never a nuisance to watch.
It's worth noting that Chris Harrison will never be able to assemble the personality and ridiculousness of the season's male competitors, ever again.
Anyway, Roberto won the "First Impression Rose" on Night 1 in La Casa Bachelorette and ultimately won Ali's heart. We were all cheering for them to be the next Trista and Ryan. They seemed to be a better fit than the bachelorettes of yesteryear and the men who won their seasons. Roberto was even liked by his fellow competitors! They seemed so happy together, destined to ride off into the San Diego sunset.
Heartbreaking.
Sallie Mae
She is one cruel mistress, and that broad is laughing all the way to the bank.
Fear Factor
The dark side of reality television. The vile pits where disgusting, disturbing, and truly deplorable challenges reside. I shudder thinking about it.
Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine a lot of Americans are sitting at home on their sofas, thinking, "You know what show I really miss? Fear Factor. It's not a good week unless I've seen three couples try to consume a reindeer testicle and a pig blood smoothie in a timed race of sorts."
Get out of my life, Joe Rogan. I don't want to see you again. Ever.
Wachovia
RIP Free Student Checking. That's all I have to say on that matter.
Yummy.
But despite all her moans, her groans and complaints,
Bad apparel, weird toys, and things reality taints,
This grinchified blogger wishes to you and your fam -
A very Merry Christmas and a tasty Christmas ham!
Much love,
+ Col
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