Dear Santa,
It's that time of year again... Candy canes are in abundance, Pandora is set to the Michael Bublé holiday medley, and I am fairly certain that my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations will be triggering an epileptic seizure in the near future. I have yet to wrap my brain around those giant inflatables.
I'm grateful for the many blessings of this year, and I fervently assure you of my placement on the "Nice" list. Although, honestly, if you want to bring a lump of coal, I might not mind so much. We have a wood-burning fireplace, and my parents like to keep the house at near-Arctic temperatures.
With the advent of technology, I assume you are best reached through the online blogosphere: I haven't had great luck with the Postal Service recently (the mail carriers, not the band), so I hope you'll take a moment to peruse my Christmas list here.
Thanks for all your sacrifices and hard work, Santa. Please know that they do not go unnoticed. And the next time someone sings "My Grown-Up Christmas List" to you, I pray that it's Michael or Kelly. Not Amy Grant.
Ever the believer, I will be leaving milk and cookies out for you this December 24th. For now, Santa, here is my (not so) grown-up Christmas list.
Love,
+ Colleen
Colleen’s Christmas List
Because All I Want For Christmas Is...
1. Josh Groban: The Best Tweets of Kanye West
If there's one thing I love more than an Oscar and Grammy-nominated singer, it's an Oscar and Grammy-nominated singer who can poke fun at himself, his genre, and the musings of Kanye West. Santa, if you could somehow oversee the production of this album, I promise to listen to all 752 songs (on 48 CDs) on loop.
Besides, I make awesome decisions in bike stores.
Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Axzxe1a78E
2. Power & Beauty, by Tip "T.I." Harris
If I wasn't sold on T.I. before (Really? There's a poster of Paper Trail that hangs on my wall), then this snippet from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon would have convinced me:
Jimmy Fallon: You're an author. I mean, look at that. (holds up book; clapping) Congratulations on this. What made you want to write a book?
T.I.: Well, probably because nobody expected me to write a book
Jimmy Fallon: (laughing) Yeah I guess so. Why not?
T.I.: Yeah, and I actually wanted to encourage people to read. I think...Yeah. People need to read more.
I will be eternally gratefully that I stayed awake late enough to see this interview and the preview for T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle. There are some reality shows you just can't miss.
T.I., keeping his swag up and keeping literacy alive. Mr. Harris, I hope to catch you next year at the National Book Festival. I'll be there with my tote bag and my copy of Power & Beauty, prepared to endure long lines for the sake of an autograph.
If you would be so kind as to personalize it, that would mean so much. I've listed a couple of options below:
Colleen,
(a) Never mind what haters say; ignore them 'til they fade away.
(b) Know it ain't nothing to drop a couple stacks on you.
(c) Always maintain the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid.
(d) Let us toast to the future: Here's to us, no, here's to YOU.
T.I., keeping his swag up and keeping literacy alive. Mr. Harris, I hope to catch you next year at the National Book Festival. I'll be there with my tote bag and my copy of Power & Beauty, prepared to endure long lines for the sake of an autograph.
If you would be so kind as to personalize it, that would mean so much. I've listed a couple of options below:
Colleen,
(a) Never mind what haters say; ignore them 'til they fade away.
(b) Know it ain't nothing to drop a couple stacks on you.
(c) Always maintain the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid.
(d) Let us toast to the future: Here's to us, no, here's to YOU.
Or, you know, just, "Love, T.I."
3. An hour-long, weekly program on PBS entitled Clive Owen Reads the Classics
I do not endorse cigarettes. I do, however, endorse Clive Owen's voice.
Do I even have to explain? The draw that this man's voice has is inexplicable. I would listen to him read the phone book, but let's be honest - This man was born to read classic literature in a deep, rich timbre.
"Arms and the man I sing, the first from Troy..."
Clive, if you're unavailable for a weekly commitment, perhaps you could call on Liam Neeson or Richard Armitage. I consider both men to be acceptable substitutes.
4. The power to retain natural shoe appeal in larger sizes (Or, alternately, smaller feet).
Shoes that are cute in a Women's Size 5 are usually not so cute in a 9 1/2. Shoes with bows, bells, and whistles or straps that cut across the foot? It's even tougher to maintain the cute factor.
Honestly, it's a tragedy for all women who love Mary Janes and T-strap sandals.
Curse you, large feet.
5. A designated spot in the Arnett-Poehler family.
For years, I've been trying to develop a plan by which to be adopted by Jay-Z and Beyoncé. That's a tough thing to do when you aren't a Yankees fan, you've never danced in a leotard, and your street cred is limited to the mean, agrarian streets of Central Pennsylvania.
(Credentials to date: I can rap "99 Problems," I'm a rabid fan of Destiny's Child music videos, I believe Lady B. is one of the greatest female performers of all time - although I wouldn't interrupt Taylor to say so - and while I may not be the best dancer, I'm enthusiastic and spirited.)
However, now that there is a mini-mogul in Beyoncé's womb, I've decided to set my sights on a family that seems easier to infiltrate.
Dear Will and Amy: Take me in. I'm a first-rate baby whisperer (free sitting for Archie and Abel), and I have a ton of experience taking care of little boys. Games, stories, songs - You name it, I've got it! We can crack jokes and pose for family GAP ads and what's a cameo between friends? (Really, I just love Parks & Recreation. And Arrested Development. And Up All Night.) I don't know if there's ever been a character as hilarious as Gob Bluth. For that, Will, I salute you.
Basically, I just love you guys.
Did I mention I look really good in holiday scarves and mittens?
6. Lincoln Logs
Oh, Lincoln Logs. To this day, I still hope Santa will bring me these coveted wooden blocks. As a child, I wanted them more than tickets to Barney: Live and an Easy Bake oven.
Looking to build an awesome lodge? Look no further. These blocks are the crème de la crème. (Added bonus: They are particularly reminiscent of Little House in the Big Woods.) I would sit for hours constructing towers and castles and bridges and...
Well, you get the idea.
"Arms and the man I sing, the first from Troy..."
Clive, if you're unavailable for a weekly commitment, perhaps you could call on Liam Neeson or Richard Armitage. I consider both men to be acceptable substitutes.
4. The power to retain natural shoe appeal in larger sizes (Or, alternately, smaller feet).
Shoes that are cute in a Women's Size 5 are usually not so cute in a 9 1/2. Shoes with bows, bells, and whistles or straps that cut across the foot? It's even tougher to maintain the cute factor.
Honestly, it's a tragedy for all women who love Mary Janes and T-strap sandals.
Curse you, large feet.
5. A designated spot in the Arnett-Poehler family.
For years, I've been trying to develop a plan by which to be adopted by Jay-Z and Beyoncé. That's a tough thing to do when you aren't a Yankees fan, you've never danced in a leotard, and your street cred is limited to the mean, agrarian streets of Central Pennsylvania.
(Credentials to date: I can rap "99 Problems," I'm a rabid fan of Destiny's Child music videos, I believe Lady B. is one of the greatest female performers of all time - although I wouldn't interrupt Taylor to say so - and while I may not be the best dancer, I'm enthusiastic and spirited.)
However, now that there is a mini-mogul in Beyoncé's womb, I've decided to set my sights on a family that seems easier to infiltrate.
Dear Will and Amy: Take me in. I'm a first-rate baby whisperer (free sitting for Archie and Abel), and I have a ton of experience taking care of little boys. Games, stories, songs - You name it, I've got it! We can crack jokes and pose for family GAP ads and what's a cameo between friends? (Really, I just love Parks & Recreation. And Arrested Development. And Up All Night.) I don't know if there's ever been a character as hilarious as Gob Bluth. For that, Will, I salute you.
Basically, I just love you guys.
Did I mention I look really good in holiday scarves and mittens?
6. Lincoln Logs
Oh, Lincoln Logs. To this day, I still hope Santa will bring me these coveted wooden blocks. As a child, I wanted them more than tickets to Barney: Live and an Easy Bake oven.
Looking to build an awesome lodge? Look no further. These blocks are the crème de la crème. (Added bonus: They are particularly reminiscent of Little House in the Big Woods.) I would sit for hours constructing towers and castles and bridges and...
Well, you get the idea.
7. A RomCom reviving a storyline for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, full of classic tropes, hijinks, and Nora Ephron-isms.
Even unfortunate plastic surgery won't quash my love for you.
Hanks-Ryan remains my power couple for the ages, up at the top with Rooney-Garland and Bogart-Bacall. From Joe vs. the Volcano to Sleepless in Seattle to You've Got Mail, these two actors are delightfully endearing.
In my dream world, Santa would select an old Hollywood writer to market a script full of witticisms and hilarious small-town characters. This movie would artfully reunite a widow and a self-proclaimed bachelor - once childhood sweethearts. Together, the two would conquer the world, fall desperately in love, and eat at the most amusing and quaint brunch locales.
You're welcome, America.
8. The Baby Bullet
In my dream world, Santa would select an old Hollywood writer to market a script full of witticisms and hilarious small-town characters. This movie would artfully reunite a widow and a self-proclaimed bachelor - once childhood sweethearts. Together, the two would conquer the world, fall desperately in love, and eat at the most amusing and quaint brunch locales.
You're welcome, America.
8. The Baby Bullet
Remember when I talked about shoes and mentioned that things are cuter in smaller sizes? It's true! I have no reason at all to own this amazing blender/puree preserver/glorified tupperware/conduit, but I can't help it! I'm obsessed with it. My sister owns one (for legitimate reasons, re: a fourteen-month old), and when I open her fridge and see those tiny, happy faces, I can't help but smile in return. Even the slightly disturbing product name won't kill my grin.
Bonus: BPA-free!
Also: Mini-margaritas. Great, right?
9. A starring role in the next Muppet movie, coincidentally written by me.
If I didn't love you so much Jason Segel, I would actually really hate you.
But I don't.
Whether you're an environmental lawyer, administering slaps and singing about his daily routine, or a small-town dreamer in a blue suit, dancing his cares away, you're one righteous dude.
For years I have followed the Muppets faithfully, and I credit The Muppet Christmas Carol for ushering in a love of literature at an early age. So Santa, if you'd like to make this dream possible... Well, I wouldn't object.
9. A starring role in the next Muppet movie, coincidentally written by me.
If I didn't love you so much Jason Segel, I would actually really hate you.
But I don't.
Whether you're an environmental lawyer, administering slaps and singing about his daily routine, or a small-town dreamer in a blue suit, dancing his cares away, you're one righteous dude.
For years I have followed the Muppets faithfully, and I credit The Muppet Christmas Carol for ushering in a love of literature at an early age. So Santa, if you'd like to make this dream possible... Well, I wouldn't object.
10. A puppy
"Even Flo Rida would agree: Club can't handle me."
What Christmas list is complete without a lovable, furry friend? I just wanna snuggle with him all day long. That nose! Those ears! I'm a blubbery mess around cute dogs.
Word to the Wise: Don't type "puppy" into Google Image Search unless you're prepared to lose a half-hour fawning over the cuteness and adorability of said puppies. No joke. An evacuation and/or extraction plan might be necessary.
Word to the Wise: Don't type "puppy" into Google Image Search unless you're prepared to lose a half-hour fawning over the cuteness and adorability of said puppies. No joke. An evacuation and/or extraction plan might be necessary.
That's all Santa.
I look forward to future correspondence, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're a good man. You, Charlie Brown, Bergdorf... Anyway, I'll be sure to leave those treats out and the chimney open.
P.S. I mean, it kind of goes without saying at this point, but I wouldn't say "No" to...
Man oh man. Those baby blues pierce my soul.
Just a meet and greet. Or a fan photo. He is married now, and I respect his position as a faithful husband and loving father. Although, if we're talking Christmas magic, you could turn back time, right? Not like Cher, but like... Transport me to 1997? Sometime around the Good Will Hunting stage? Great. Thanks.
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