I'd like to think I have a decent memory bank when it comes to lyrics (if only I could apply that brain space to - I don't know - science), but I can't read music or define measures or logically defend "good music" vs. "bad music." I know what I like, and if I like it, chances are you have heard me sing it.
That being said, the Christmas season ushers in one of my favorite activities: Scoping out and judging the CD covers of various artists who have tapped into the holiday genre. These Christmas albums are a treasure trove of hilarious poses, antics, costuming, and the like. Every year when I mosey through Target's music section, I'm like a bloodhound searching for new and amusing album art. Relentless, unceasing, and ultimately, advancing for the kill.
Wacky Christmas CD covers are as abundant as ugly Christmas sweaters, and it's my mission to break down the vast selection you will find. Naturally, I have not included every Christmas album known to man (sorry, Faith Hill), but I have attempted to collect an arsenal of familiar and beloved artists. Or, you know, people wearing turtlenecks and funny hats.
For your perusal, here are my favorite Christmas album poses:
Old Faithful
Description: Seated; Relaxed Arms
What This Pose Says About You: "I'm trying to look spirited, casual and relatable," or alternately, "I'm fodder for merciless mocking."
Bonus Points: Incorporating a fireplace in the background
MVP: Harry Connick, Jr. - Sir, you have this pose down pat.
Runner-Up: Barry Manilow, for his artistic avoidance of the camera.
MY FACE!
Description: Exactly what it sounds like. This CD cover is all about marketing your complexion.
What This Pose Says About You: "I've had several best-selling albums in my genre, so I decided to make a Christmas CD for holly-jolly kicks."
Bonus Points: You're actually enough of a star to warrant this face:cover ratio.
MVP: Amy Grant. It's a male-dominated club, but you earned your right, girl.
Runner-Up: Michael Bolton. How am I supposed to live without youuuu (and your piercing eyes)?
MY FACE: American Idol Edition
Description: (MY FACE!) + Contestant on the Reality Series American Idol
What This Pose Says About You: "I didn't win my season, but I came close enough that people will buy a Christmas CD."
Bonus Points: You haven't yet disappeared off the face of the earth.
MVP: Danny Gokey. You should have made it to the finale.
Runner-Up: Katherine McPhee. You only lost because Taylor was a silver underdog. (RE: Not a silver fox.)
A Christmas Dilemma: Sassy or Sexy?
Description: Female artist who has elected to showcase her flirty or audacious side
What This Pose Says About You: "Pouty lips, wide smiles, and ample curves are the real reason for the season, at least as far as sales are concerned."
Bonus Points: Wearing a pseudo-Mrs. Claus outfit
MVP: Mariah Carey. Is that even a question?
Runner-Up: Jessica Simpson, because clearly, one Christmas album wasn't enough.
Places to Go, People to See
Description: Man walking in the snow to an undisclosed location
What This Pose Says About You: "Some producer thought this would add a subtle flair of mystery," or "I really dig Robert Frost's Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening."
Bonus Points: Wearing an overcoat
MVP: Michael Bolton. He's a triple-threat: Full body shot + Ponytail + Pea Coat with popped collar
Runner-Up: Luther Vandross. That velvet tux is stellar.
Decrease the Volume. Please.
Description: You're Kenny G.
What This Pose Says About You: "Like Samson, I am nothing without my hair."
Bonus Points: Holding a sax
MVP: Kenny G.
Runner-Up: The Saxophone.
Birds of a Feather
Description: If you have to look like a d*bag, at least you're not alone.
What This Pose Says About You: "I couldn't cut it as a solo artist."
Bonus Points: Utilizing furry accoutrements
MVP: N'Sync, for a snapshot of five hairstyles that defined the late '90s. (And Justin, who was able to transcend boundaries and cultivate a legitimate solo career.)
Runner-Up: Il Divo. At least you can blame the posturing on the wine.
Good Things Come in Threes: Matching Outfits Included
Description: You're a female trio (or you sound like one)
What This Pose Says About You: "We like to match, and it's okay to wear white after Labor Day."
Bonus Points: Marriage to Jay-Z
MVP: Hanson. Because no one thought you'd make it beyond MMMBop.
Runner-Up: Kelly Rowland, the only one without a long, flowing mane.
WTF: Christmas Edition
Description: We look ridiculous anyway, so why not give us something to hold?
What This Pose Says About You: "Some higher-up was wasted when we got signed."
Bonus Points: Wearing a hat
MVP: The Surfers, who - incidentally - are not surfing; they're rowing.
Runner-Up: Tijuana Christmas. Nothing says "Birth of Our Savior" like spring break and illicit drugs.
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