I promised a blog snippet by Tuesday morning, and while I could not prepare my standard novella-like submission, please consider this a humble sampling of musings. I shall give more attention to my creative writing endeavors in the future, if only because I like using the word "shall."
-- Colleen's List of Truths & Life Lessons --
alternately titled: B.S. from a B.A.
One can never bring in the funk too early or too late. There is always time for the funk. Next stop: Funkayyy Junction.
It's okay to live every day as if you were competing on Survivor. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Just don't forget to shower, and put on your best game face for Redemption Island.
Judy Funnie was hipster before hipsters made it cool to be hipster by not buying into "cool."
Pineapple is a welcome addition to one's diet.
S.E. Hinton wrote The Outsiders when she was only fifteen. Nadia Comaneci won the first "Perfect Ten" in Olympic gymnastics at fourteen. But it's okay to be twenty-two and unemployed. You'll get there... Someday.
The Romantic Poets don't actually write about romance...
Once you use a razor with more blades than your standard-issue, you're never going back. Thanks, Venus Embrace.
It's never a bad idea to have three pens on you: An EpiPen, a Tide-to-Go, and a ballpoint Bic.
When Brits indicate they have had a row, or fight with someone, "row" rhymes with cow (not slow). Who knew? (I didn't, for almost 22 years.)
If Gwen Stefani or Beyonce are competing in a "Who Wore it Better?" contest, they are automatically the victor. Always. Without question. And if, by some cruel twist of fate, Gwen and Lady B. ever face-off, there is a good chance my world will implode.
Unless you're planning to use Axe Body Spray to incapacitate a potential attacker, blinding him in the eyes and stripping him of his ability to smell, you should never consider it a viable addition to your toiletry bag.
Billy Idol is a man. Billie Holiday is a woman. Billy Elliot is a male ballet dancer.
S.E. Hinton wrote The Outsiders when she was only fifteen. Nadia Comaneci won the first "Perfect Ten" in Olympic gymnastics at fourteen. But it's okay to be twenty-two and unemployed. You'll get there... Someday.
The Romantic Poets don't actually write about romance...
Once you use a razor with more blades than your standard-issue, you're never going back. Thanks, Venus Embrace.
It's never a bad idea to have three pens on you: An EpiPen, a Tide-to-Go, and a ballpoint Bic.
When Brits indicate they have had a row, or fight with someone, "row" rhymes with cow (not slow). Who knew? (I didn't, for almost 22 years.)
If Gwen Stefani or Beyonce are competing in a "Who Wore it Better?" contest, they are automatically the victor. Always. Without question. And if, by some cruel twist of fate, Gwen and Lady B. ever face-off, there is a good chance my world will implode.
Unless you're planning to use Axe Body Spray to incapacitate a potential attacker, blinding him in the eyes and stripping him of his ability to smell, you should never consider it a viable addition to your toiletry bag.
Billy Idol is a man. Billie Holiday is a woman. Billy Elliot is a male ballet dancer.
Matt Damon is the best friend in the entire world. If someone has your back after a train wreck like Gigli, he's in it for the long haul. Don't ever let him go. (I'm talking to you, Ben Affleck.)
Half-caf coffee? Why even bother?
Once you discover a scent or conditioner you prefer from Bath and Body Works, the chances it will be discontinued in the next three months increase exponentially. Best of luck at the Semi-Annual Sale.
Don't ever rely on kid scissors to get the job done. You're better off using your teeth.
Baby proof locks might as well be labelled "Colleen-proof locks."
The trashier the television show, the likelier you will get sucked in during a vulnerable moment.
There will never be a substitute for the instructional quality of School House Rock videos.
You should be able to accumulate frequent flyer miles every time you purchase a pair of pantyhose. That run is going to happen sooner or later: Let's err on the side of "sooner."
Bacon is reason enough never to become a vegetarian.
Your hair will always appear nicest when you're not expecting it and no one is planning to take a photo.
No one can (or should) get away with saying "dawg" anymore, unless that person is Randy Jackson. And Randy, you're pushing your luck.
The more colorful the cereal box, the less likely your mom is going to allow you to eat its contents.
Every time you buy a new package of socks or underwear, those that you had on circulatory loop will disappear. For example, if you bought the package because you were "down to five pairs" on Tuesday, you're going to have six pairs total on Wednesday. Yes, all six will be from the newest package.
Crappy beer tastes better in the company of friends.
Footie pajamas stopped being cute on twenty-somethings. In fact, they were never cute on anyone other than toddlers and (arguably) Things 1 and 2. Can we get over that trend, already? And pull up that zipper!
Everything sounds better in French. I don't know why, it just does.
If you ever told anyone the ending of The Sixth Sense before they saw it, you are a terrible person. No names will be mentioned in this post.
The larger the coffee mug, the better you will feel about that cup.
It's never a bad idea to have a catchphrase. It makes you memorable. Annoying, yes, but memorable.
Work hard, play hard, and laugh a lot.
+ That's all I got, folks. +
Happy birthday, Erin K.
You've taught, you've loved, and you have been a great big seester.
Take consolation in the fact that you'll never be as old as Fred Savage,
every day can be a great day with enough coffee and bacon,
and you look damn good for being a mother of two.
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