I Have Confidence... in Christopher Plummer.

O Canada, O Canada. How lovely are your...

Maple leaves?
Hockey sticks?
Tim Hortons?

I haven't got a clue. The closest I've come to Canada is the New York side of Niagara Falls.

I do know one thing: Call me Amerigo Vespucci, because I am about to contribute to a monumental historic and cultural discovery. My regular perusal of IMDB has led to this tidbit of knowledge, and I will climb every mountain and ford every stream to circulate said information.

Ready? You sure?

Christopher Plummer is CANADIAN.

Cue shock and awe! Or unregistered nonchalance, for those who already knew this little factoid. Or really don't care as much as I do...

I think I am predisposed to believe that if I didn't know something related to The Sound of Music dynasty, no one would. This is obviously not the truth; it is a trapping of my movie-musical snobbery. Suffice to say, however, that I was rendered speechless when I stumbled upon Plummer's biography.

Canadian? WHAT? To be fair, I have never actually contemplated Plummer's country of origin. In the recesses of my brain, I'm sure I assumed Austria was his home country, but I never bothered to research or confirm that assumption.  Plummer was always just Captain Von Trapp, a tender heart underneath a gruff and hardened Naval exterior, intent on protecting the country he desperately loved from falling into Nazi clutches. He navigated single parenthood, relying on whistles and a household staff to communicate with his children, until he - somewhat begrudgingly - fell for a spirited novice-turned-governess. He learned to interact with his children and shower them with affection. He could dance impeccably, and he did so - with gloves! He had a quiet sense of humor, a quick wit, and he was a secret master of pranks. He strummed the guitar while fondly bidding farewell to the home he loved. His voice broke on the second chorus of "Edelweiss." He refused to bow to the wishes of the Third Reich, and he confronted Rolfe with the wisdom of a man who had seen war and its inevitable path of destruction and death. I mean, come on... He sang to Julie Andrews in a moonlit gazebo. In short, he was the man. I loved him. I still do.

Oh my dear Mr. Plummer, not even your disparaging remarks about The Sound of Music and its haunting, life-long legacy can dim this glow. I simply love you, you curmudgeon, you.

Anyway, back to my original point... Canadian? I'm used to making jokes about Canada. In a twisted turn of events, I was assigned "Canada" as my small group's title on the 2009 Freshman Retreat, and I had to spend a weekend defending it. Canada is America's hat, eh? Sore-y. Sorry. But seriously, who doesn't love a joke about Canada?

(Example 1; dialogue from 30 Rock episode.)

Bellhop: At the risk of sound incredibly rude, I would beg your pardon and ask you, in your opinion, "What's soo bood aboot being Canadian?"
Jack: Your milk comes in bags. Bags!
Avery: Your pavilion at Epcot doesn't have a ride!
Jack: And if Canada is so nice and friendly, why does most of our meth come from your Asian drug gangs?
Avery: Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?!?!

(Example 2; dialogue from How I Met Your Mother episode.)

Barney: It's not gonna be easy, like the Canadian citizenship test.

Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?

Barney: It's Canada! Question One: Do you want to be Canadian? Question Two: Really?

And, naturally:

Barney: Attention, Canada! I am Barney, from America, and I am here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one: Get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke...

Monopoly? Life? One of Lily's dad's games?

So, I repeat: Who doesn't love a good Canada joke? And for those of you who may be sitting at your computers, shaking your heads, I ask you to take a moment and truly think about what Canada has given us. As a country, it is responsible for Sarah McLachlan, Justin Bieber, Howie Mandel, AND Keanu Reeves. Talk about jokes...

But my recent "enlightenment" about Mr. Plummer has the added benefit of teaching me tolerance and avoiding gross generalizations. Because yes, Canada, I blame you for those dog rescue commercials, highlighted by the song "In the Arms of the Angels," and yes, I hold you partially responsible for the Deal or No Deal? phenomenon, and by God, shouldn't someone in Hollywood have offered Keanu Reeves acting lessons by now!? But Canada, you have enriched our lives in some areas, and I will take this occasion to bite back an ill-timed remark about the Biebs. You gave me Captain Von Trapp, wittingly or unwittingly, and I will be forever grateful.

So, why stop there? At the end of the day, Canada is responsible for
THE THREE Rs: Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, and Robin Sparkles. For that, Canada, I thank you.*

To review:

1. Crazy-Ridiculous Abs + Green Lantern Ring + BFFL Status with Sandra Bullock

2. "It's like they're photoshopped!" Abs + Dirty Dancing Moves + Former Mousketeer Status
3. "Let's Go to the Mall" + Space Teens + Robot companion + "Sandcastles in the Sand / Thought I could fly when you held my hand..."

But that's not all.

Trust me, Canada, the heart - and the thanks - will go on. Two words, my friend: Celine Dion. It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now...

The volume of that hair is astounding.

Add Joni Mitchell, Bryan Adams, Paul Anka, Neil Young, and that jagged little pill known as Alanis Morissette to the musical mix, and you've got some impressive street cred, Canada. You gave us one of TV's best dads - Dr. Jason Seaver, as played by Alan Thicke on Growing Pains - and season after season of Alex P. Keaton and Brandon Walsh (Michael J. Fox and Jason Priestley, respectively). Where would we be without Lorne Greene of Bonanza fame? (Okay, so I would probably be the only one to miss him. But have you ever heard the song "Ringo"? So good!!)

Canada is also the setting for one of my favorite series - Anne of Green Gables. Good ol' Prince Edward Island is home to Avonlea, and I will confirm, in this moment, that Canada and Lucy Maud Montgomery are largely responsible for the person I am today - A lover of literature, poetry, nature, dreams, and the imagination. (Not to mention small-town busybodies, brother-sister partnerships, Gog and Magog, Hester Gray's garden, large vocabulary words, the particular spelling of "Anne" with an E, and curly-haired boys named Gilbert.)

Gil's hanging in the background on this one.

Montgomery's authorship isn't Canada's only claim to fame. Leslie McFarlane - better known to some as Franklin W. Dixon - is also Canadian. He was responsible for ghostwriting the early - and most popular - Hardy Boys books, under its famous pseudonym. Glorious! And it goes without saying that many of our favorite TV shows and movies are filmed in Vancouver or other Canadian territories to defray production costs. Finally - and I mean, really - who doesn't love the idea of the Mounties?

That's the stuff.

- - - - -

Okay, so I'm not going to be moving there anytime soon, but perhaps I will ease up on the jokes. (Besides, Barney Stinson has the corner on that market.) Today, I would like to extend an olive branch to Canada for past mockery, and I will go on the record and say, "Eh... You're not half-bad."

Thank you for making me see the bigger picture, Christopher Plummer. I have learned a valuable lesson about national identity and the blessings of one's homeland. You've done it... Again.

He conquers hills AND prejudices!

-----

 *Okay, okay, here's the truth. There are actually four Rs. I'm coming clean... I love Rookie Blue. Sue me. This campy ABC drama about the lives of Toronto’s finest coppers has stolen my heart, and this summer I have become embarrassingly addicted. I have not been so emotionally invested in a show’s Will they-Won’t they? couple since the respective sagas of Rory/Jess and Jim/Pam.  Darn you, soapy, poorly-acted, primetime television! You’ve done it again.

Incidentally, ABC, there is no way that many good-looking cops work for the same Canadian police division.  Also, I am 95% sure that your network is the place where former WB stars go to die. Here’s looking at you, Everwood cast.