You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

My dear young man, cheer up!

We love your smiles. We truly do.

If I have to devote an entire post to the beauty of the human smile, I will.  Admittedly, I didn't think I would be passionately blogging about this subject (so soon, if ever), but I am compelled to pause my update on "Life after College," in order to fuel my typing with zeal and righteous anger. I'm like an overly-committed tween fangirl who discovers that her celebrity love is, by all counts, a cad. Hell hath no fury like this woman scorned.

But gentlemen readers of cheery disposition, I offer you solace: Girls like it when a guy smiles. The first thing a genuine smile says is, "I'm friendly. I'm kind. I'll do my best to make you laugh." Trust me, girls like this reassurance.

So, why have I climbed on my oft-used soapbox to share this statement? I'll tell you. And I will do so with a wide, beaming grin on my face, because in truth, we feel (and look) a lot happier when a smile graces our features.

I would like to address (and then refute) a heinous rumor circulating in our culture: Girls love mysterious, brooding men. This blanket statement first caught my eye on AOL.com; last Wednesday, I read an article that drew upon a national study, gauging first-impression characteristics that genders find most attractive in a mate. This morning, the study in question was again brought to my attention on the 10 o'clock hour of the TODAY show (All things aside, Hoda and Kathie Lee are two crazy broads). This study largely focused on the results provided by the female population: Women apparently reject men who smile, preferring the elusive bad boy to his amiable counterpart. According to one researcher, "Women are attracted to James Dean types, and Edward the Vampire."

First off all, my grievances with the entire Twilight saga are too numerous to list in this post. Suffice to say that Edward Cullen is an emotionally manipulative, one-dimensional, fictional character who thinks animal blood is a groovy substitute for one's diet. Because he is such a "tortured" soul, readers commend him for resisting the urge to drain his human singer. Grossed out yet? There's more. He sparkles. Yes, his "Adonis-like" features are wholly captivating to the beautiful-but-doesn't-know-it-yet Bella, and therefore, all other flaws can be overlooked. (Note: No man should take lessons from him on how to treat a woman.) I sense an "anti-Twilight blog" in my future, largely because I find Edward Cullen repugnant. Sorry, girls. That vamp is a poster boy for abusive relationships.

Second (and personal bias aside), intrigue does not guarantee happiness. Sure, a broody men might catch a lady's eye - He's so soulful! So attune with his emotion! He's a poet/singer/songwriter! - but here's the real scoop: If a woman cannot connect with a man on a basic level, engaging in easy banter and conversation, and recognizing a worthy disposition and good-nature, she's not going to stick around for long. Ladies want a man who's in it for the long haul. That man needs to make her laugh when she's PMS-y, calm her down when she's a little crazy, and give her a smile when she needs encouragement. Sadly, the solution to most of life's problems are not resolved by the burning intensity of a man's eyes as he soulfully peers from beneath thick, fringed lashes, silently begging his lady to "interpret and understand." Yeah, she totally just "gets you," brah.

Oh, Col. That's a nice idea, but really, where do you get off saying that? You don't boast a degree in psychology, nor could you pretend to understand the complex nature of the human mind and heart. And you're right, I suppose. Cue Storytime. When I was in middle school, teen magazines (and specifically, fold-out pictures of celebs) were all the rage. Glossy 8.5x11" photos of "Mr. Soulful Eyes" or "The Closet Poet and Musician" were meticulously cut out and carefully taped to available wall space. Sadly, I cannot say this was a ritual of mine. While my classmates were hanging photos of Orlando Bloom and Chad Michael Murray over their beds, I was scouring TV Guide to find out the next time "Good Will Hunting" would be playing on TBS.

If I had a wall on which to hang Tigerbeat articles, who knows? Perhaps my preteen years would have been different. Perhaps I would interpret this "mysterious" man dilemma differently. Posters were never an option in my house; my mom was able to strike the fear of God in anyone who approached a bedroom wall with a nail or tack. "Spackle" was not a part of her vocabulary. (The singular exception: Framed photos or artwork featuring cherubic children sleeping, praying, or holding small puppies in hand. Seriously, take a look at my childhood bedroom.)

I digress. Back to my main point...

Arguably, these "soulful brooders" wreak more relationship havoc than not. Every season there is a catastrophic episode of "The Bachelorette," where viewers learn that the token brooding bad boy is actually, in fact, a bad boy. Face it, ladies - There is always going to be a bad boy. If you are the Bachelorette, and you had watched any of the previous six seasons, you would know this.  And that's why it's equally hard to muster sympathy for the lead lady. You should've stuck with Mr. Affable, the one with the nice smile!

If you please, take a moment to consider these celebrities:

Broody Men: The aforementioned Bloom and Murray, John Mayer, Robert Pattinson
Not-So-Broody: Matt Damon (obvi), Will Smith, Hugh Jackman, Denzel Washington

Notice a trend? The "not so broody" category include celebs who are personable and actually likeable in their interviews. And best of all, they have STELLAR smiles! Infectious, even. They smile, and we smile right back, America!

So in short, dear readers - especially you, men, few and far between though you may be - girls actually dig smiles. Don't give up hope: There's a special lady out there who will love you for your pearly whites, and much, much more.

- - - -

Akin to my previous author's note about "plaid," I will offer a similar note about smiles. I don't mean to give free license to smiles: There is a strict code of conduct by which one must abide.

UNACCEPTABLE SMILES

1) Smiling accompanied by a too-familiar wink.

There is a time and a place for the smiling/winking combo, folks. If your name is Frank Hardy, and you are looking at Nancy Drew - Yes, then a smile/wink is acceptable. If you are snarkily impersonating Matthew McConaughey at a party, and the circumstances necessitate a thick drawl and roguish wink, then yes, I issue my approval. If you are a grandfatherly old man recounting his youth and topping it off with a bad joke, you are in the clear. And naturally, if you are teaching a child how to wink, the smile and wink is imperative.

In all other cases, the smile/wink is overkill: 1) On a first date: "Do you have something in your eye? Then why the prolonged... Oh, I get it. That was a wink. Check, please?" 2) At a counseling session or educational forum. Yeah, now you're just inherently distrustful. 3) When addressing a non-significant other with a pet name: "babe," "hun," "darling," etc. You're a creep.

2) Smiling while simultaneously brandishing a weapon.

Be it with steak knife or gun, no one wants to see where this situation is going. And if they do, they should rent a horror movie. Or possibly see a therapist.

3) Smiling at funerals, in the back of the vet's office, while a family member is crying, or in the boardroom of The Celebrity Apprentice.

Word to the wise: Proceed with caution.

- - - - -

Here's looking at you, kid. Bogart may have caught the eyes of females nationwide, but it was Jimmy Stewart that every girl wanted to marry.

FIN.